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idiom of the week: Gordon Bennett!

"Hey George, what are you doing this weekend?"

"You mean the weekend of the 20th annual St Edmund Campion drinking festival?"

"Of course!"

"As usual, sitting at home watching Coronation Street with the wife. I don't suppose you can go either."

"Think again, my friend."

"Are you going?"

"Yes I am!"

"Gordon Bennett! How did you ever manage to persuade Beryl to let you go? "

"Family funeral."

"Who died?"

"One of her relatives, but I won't be able to attend the funeral. "

"Why not?"

"I'm going to severely injure my back the day before."

You crafty bugger! You owe me a drink for such a cunning plan..."

Explanation: Wow, as in I'm very surprised.

Notes: James Gordon Bennet II, 1841 - 1918 is the man referred to, and was quite a colourful character. One of his many reported exploits was an incident where he flew an aeroplane through an open barn. The surprised spectators were supposed to have said 'That was Gordon Bennett!', and hence onward to the current shortened phrase.

joke of the week: The Magic Bottles

Joke: There were 3 friends stranded in an island. Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes. The first man said, "I wish I was with my family." Suddenly, poof, he was with his family. The second guy said, "I wish I was in a bar with my friends." Suddenly, poof, he was gone. The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, "What's wrong?" The man said, "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were here." Poof, his two friends were back in the island.

Explanation:

If you are stranded somewhere there is no way you can escape from the place.

A genie is a kind of magic spirit that lives in magic jars and always gives you wishes in return for allowing it to leave the jar.

Poof is a sound accompanied by smoke that signifies something magic has happened.

idiom of the week: Hold The Candle

"So who do you reckon was Oxford Utd's best footballer?"

"No question about it. It has to be John Aldridge."

"You reckon. I think old Deano, Dean Saunders was better."

"Oh rubbish! Saunders was a good striker, but he couldn't hold a candle to John Aldridge. His record speaks for itself. Top scorer in the club's history. Rogers was a cheat anyway. Any player who falls down in the penalty area looking for a penalty is a cheat and I hate him."

"I'm sure he'd disagree."

"Yeah, well I'd like to see him try."

"Well you can. He's over there at the bar looking at you!"

"Oh shit!"

Explanation: (Always used in negative : Subj couldn't hold a candle to Obj) Someone who doesn't even come close to being as good as another person at something.

Notes: Apprentices often had to hold candles up near senior workmen, so that they could see what they were doing. The idea of coming close refers to an apprentice who is learning his skill can approach a senior workman with a candle, whereas someone who doesn't know anything about the work, couldn't hold a candle to the senior workman.

joke of the week : The Lottery Winner

A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts,

"Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery!!!!"

The husband says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean or should I pack for the mountains?"

She says, "I don't care. Just get out the hell out!"

Explanation:

The husband thinks that they'll go away together for their holiday, but the wife just wants him out of her life now that she's won the lottery!

To slam a door is to shut the door very hard.